And I don't mean romantic. I mean any and all.
I currently reside far from my family and friends, none of whom, in turn, reside near each other. I have a year left being abroad for my schooling and I consistently wonder where I will be placed. I have a variety of schools I could end up at, very few are near said loved ones. I also have a crippling inability to actively make friends. Those whom I do have, we are violently enamoured with one another. Those I don't have ranged from complete strangers to wishing they were complete strangers.
I go through periods of hatred, not self- nor focused towards anyone in particular. Just an overall sense of hatred at a situation which I have been in many times before, should be comfortable with, and am not.
There is a seeming bottle-neck effect here, not evolutionarily of course. A large population has had random assignment through the funnel that is this school into a condensed population. Over time the strongest, and often most awful, features begin to manifest. Animosity, hatred, paranoia, disingenuousness, pandering, oh! and alcoholism in many as well. We may be smiles in our classes, but I feel the seething underneath. There are friendships here, I have minor ones and major ones. But the rumor mills, the badly-hidden tears, the misguided assumptions, the veiled insults, all of these things paint the picture of a problem that overreaches my mere paranoia. A problem for which we have no help, and an unwillingness to seriously admit to one another.
And so, I dream of my loves: my family, my friends, my beaus. And I try, so very hard, to not remember that what I have just written is a daily reality here.
No comments:
Post a Comment